Too Much of a Good Thing

Hey dudes, GUESS WHAT

I totally didn’t count calories this week! WHOAH. It was pretty odd, considering I’ve counted points/calories/some kind of numerical figure connected with the patron star of food for the past … six years? But, it was really freeing to just kind of sit down for a meal and say, “OK, what do I want?” I’m not going to lie, though; on a couple of days when I had extra chomps, I freaked and tallied by day’s intake to say where I stood. However, at the end of the week, I had no idea how much I had eaten on most days/how many “bonus” calories I had left/etc. I do still a tally bit during the day, though—that is, at meal time, I might do some quick math to make sure my lunch falls within a certain range, just so I know whether to cut back a bit later after a particularly large meal. I think this is OK, though, as there’s a difference between nitpicky/obsessive calorie counting and ensuring you’re not overeating. I have, however, set up some rules for myself, since I didn’t want intuitive eating to turn into “eat whatever I want” eating:

1) I can eat as much as I want, but I can only eat when I’m hungry.

2) I can eat whatever I want, but desserts/sweets should be saved for after dinner. (This is mostly because if I eat a sweet thang mid-day, I tend to crave sugar for the rest of the day. Or, I crave sugar AND eat copious amounts of it for the rest of the day.)

3) Large desserts (e.g., a pint and a delicious Warm Delight product)/restaurant meals that I make/purchase for myself should be limited to once a week. (This isn’t me trying to be restrictive, but rather just trying to keep myself in a position to be flexible in case I’m invited out to dinner/given a delicious baked good spontaneously/etc.)

Regardless, I was a little cautious this week with my eating … maybe a bit too cautious. Although, I always ate if I was hungry, and continued eating after finishing a meal if I wasn’t satisfied.

Last Week’s Weight: 127.2 (Yep, I was up a little bit last week after my binge, but I was OK with this, seeing as how I was still in the bottom portion of my range.)

Today’s Weight: 124

Loss/Gain: Three pounds

This Week’s Exercise Schedule:

06/11: 7-mile run/walk + 20-minute weightlifting session
06/12: Yoga
06/13: 5-mile run + 40-minute weightlifting session
06/14: 7-mile run/walk
06/15: 1-hour weightlifting session + 2-mile walk
06/16: Yoga
06/17: 45-minute aerobics tape

… derp. Dang, and I took an extra rest day this week, too! Also, I am not oblivious to the irony that when I’m not trying to lose weight, I lose copious amounts of el-bees. Jeeze. I’m not really sure what to do at this point, though; I know some people say that you can never be too rich or too thin, but when I start to drop below my range like this, it’s like there’s a little voice that goes, “Well, how thin can I get?” And, I don’t want to play that game, especially since I don’t like how I look when I start to get into my lower 120s. Also, I’d like to get back into my goal range, as otherwise I get too accustomed to being a lower weight and it’s disappointing when I get back up to a normal weight. It’s like my mind adjusts to seeing a thinner self, and any extra pounds (even when they still put me within my goal range) are, well … extra. Does that make sense?

Anyway, normally I’d go on a weight gain diet at this point (MMMMMMMM), but I don’t want to go back to calorie counting after just a week of intuitive eating. So, considering that there are several food-related events coming up (my birthday, a surprise party for a person who shall go undescribed and a week in which an aunt and her family are visiting from Texas), I think I’m just going to let things lie for the time being and worry about putting weight back on only if I find myself still below range after the aforementioned happenins’ … and quite frankly, I highly doubt I’ll have anything to worry about after the next few weeks.

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Down the Hatch/Tubes

It was like the perfect storm, but with more candy and less water.

I was set to go out to breakfast on Sunday, and the day before, a bag of ill-bought Reese’s cups depleted the calories I had been saving for said breakfast. Sunday, my frustration over my lack of self-control combined with sleep deprivation combined with stress combined with PMS to form … the perfect binge.

Dudes, I had gone ten weeks without bingeing. I thought I was golden. Then, WHA-BHAM! I consume 6,000 calories in one day. WTH?

Even now, four days later, I’m still hell of pissed off about it. Now, I’m not mad about any weight I may have gained (I was below range the last time I weighed in, after all, and it was just one day), but rather the lack of intuitive eating I practiced/the random eating I did. Basically, I went back to cupboard diving and ended up eating random, non-worthwhile P.O.S. foods like slices of bread. Plus, had I not binged and just had ONE thing, I could have had a pint of ice cream every day this week for the amount of calories I ate that one day. And, trust me, I would have much rather have had a treat per day than one day of stuffing myself and subsequently restricting. BUT, I ALWAYS FORGET THIS ARBDFHSDFSDJFH.

Ah, well. At least it didn’t turn into a multiple-day binge. In light of this, though, and the fact that I’ve been feeling really weak/rundown lately (like, “going to bed at 9 p.m. and feeling sore all the time”-weak) I was thinking of doing one of a couple of things for the summer, or until I’m done with my very physically demanding job at the cemetery:

a) Eat a bit more on a daily basis. Of course, this sounds like the most fun option, but I don’t want to get accustomed to a certain culinary lifestyle, so to speak, only to have to cut back come fall.

b) Indulge a bit every day. Quix left a great anti-binge tip on my last post; that is, indulge a bit every day in something small to keep from over-doing it like I did. And, the fact of the matter is, I am pretty restrictive on a day to day basis. But, I definitely can’t keep some things—like candy, evidently—in the house. What are you favorite small sweets that you keep around/can eat in moderation?

c) Exercise a bit less. I’m kind of hesitant to cut back on my exercise (for reasons I’ll go into another post coming up soon), but I feel like it’ll be easier to increase my exercise again than it would be to decrease my chomps come fall. So, I’m 90% sure that I’m going to go with this option and have a “taper week” every other week rather than every three weeks. I’d also like to allow myself some more splurges, but now my trust in my self-control is kind of obliterated. And yet, I’m thinking of finally giving up calorie counting, cold turkey.

After this weekend’s binge incident, which was essentially inspired by a “lack of calories” that should not even have been taken into consideration, because being at my maintenance weight means any calorie-oriented limits are merely guidelines, I’ve come to the conclusion that calorie counting while at my maintenance weight is keeping me from truly eating intuitively. I’m a little hesitant to give it up, though, as I feel like calorie counting is kind of like a speedometer—without it, I wouldn’t know I was eating too much/driving too fast until I gained weight/got a ticket. But, if I’m truly eating intuitively, I shouldn’t gain a massive amount of weight in between weigh-ins, anyway. And, getting rid of calorie counting would set me up to eat more according to true cravings/needs rather than according to numbers. But, I’m scurred. How will I know if I can consume certain “extras” in a day, like a glass of milk, an extra serving of rice or a cookie from a co-worker?* I know how to eat, though; it’s not like I’ll eat donuts on Monday, forget about it, and eat a pint of ice cream on Tuesday. I’ve also maintained my weight for about two months, now, and for most of that time I haven’t been calculating how many calories I’ve eating during the day until the end of the day.

What do you dudes think? Have any of you spent years calorie counting, only to give it up? I’m wondering, though, if I shouldn’t set up some rules for myself if I do give up calorie counting (e.g., only one “indulgence” per day, which I should be following, regardless—if I had followed this rule on Sunday, I’d be a lot better off, that’s for sure). Any suggestions?

THIS POST NEEDS MORE BOLD TEXT. OK, I’m done, now.

*OK, I would probably not eat this cookie regardless, unless it was a commercial cookie and I saw the package it came out of it. Homemade, though? Lord knows where that cookie has been/what the kitchen it was made in looks like. Gross.

Hello, Home/New Things Thursday: Mindful Eating

Yay, I made it home! And, was greeted upon arrival with a jury summons. Thanks for the “Welcome Back!” gift, government!

Since I’m going to be working at a broadcasting company right next to my hometown, my mom was kind enough to let me move back home for a bit and live rent free while I get on my feet/save some money. My mom and I get along really well, and we’ve been through a lot together—my dad left when I was a few months old, so it’s always been just her and me. Anyway, it’s great to be home. I am going to celebrate having access to a kitchen again by making Parmesan risotto from Cook’s Illustrated’s “The Best Light Recipe” cookbook. If I’m not too lazy, afterwards, this may mean you’ll get your first recipe review, soon. LUCKY YOU.

Also, I did not binge yesterday (hooray!), though I did go a little overboard. Ultimately, I only ended up using 120 more calories than was officially allotted to me*, but I definitely ate more sweets than I should have; I started with some Tim Tams and ice cream, which was fine, but then at the grocery store I impulsively snagged a bakery cookie and a candy bar. If I hadn’t chomped those, I’d have 660 extra calories today rather than negative 120!** Blergh! But, lesson learned; don’t eat treats on the run and try to keep it to one indulgence a day. I’m going to try and compensate for the extra calories I ate yesterday by eating that much less today, but—in the spirit of eating intuitively—I’m not going to not eat if I get hungry. It’s only 120 calories, after all, and that’s part of the glory of maintenance: Some days you eat a little more, some days you eat a little less. Usually, it all balances out.

Anyway, today marks the return of New Things Thursday! Hooray! Today’s new thing (Mindful Eating) is actually brought to you by Maria over at Chasing the Now (which you should start reading if you don’t already do so; it’s a great “healthy living” blog and also a really interesting look at life in Japan, where Maria lives with her husband. Personally, I’d love to visit Japan … so I can visit the Nintendo store. What?), who recently instituted the “Make Time to Dine” challenge.

When she did so, I realized I hardly ever just eat. When I eat, I’m also usually reading, watching TV or doing something else ridiculous that could probably wait until later, all of which are bad things to do while eating, especially since Maria says that studies have shown that more calories are taken in when we’re distracted while chomping. THAT’S BAD. Anyway, I pledged to take part once I got home, since when she introduced the challenge I needed every waking (and some sleeping) moment to write essays.

So, when I sat down for breakfast today, I said, “It is mindful eating time!”, especially since I’m trying intuitive eating, and part of that is paying attention to your hunger level while eating. But, how can you notice if you’re full if you’re to too busy reading a book while throwing back your breakfast?

Mindful eating was … weird. Honestly, the whole time I was eating, I wanted to reach for a book, or something. I didn’t realize how much of a habit multitasking while eating had become. But, while breakfast this morning meant I spent my meal taking a really hard look at my kitchen rather than a piece of reading material, it also meant that I savored my meal, more (it took me twenty minutes to eat a bowl of cereal, since I purposefully put my utensil down between bites). NEAT. Give it a try, dudes; you my find that when you actually pay attention to your plate, you don’t want everything that is on it.

*I’m trying to eat intuitively, but I’m still tallying calories at the end of the day just to see where doing so puts me with my intake.

** I’m still doing the “bonus calories” system at the moment, too, but any caloric allowances are really more of a guideline now that I’m doing maintenance rather than a hard and fast rule, especially since I don’t know how much I’ve eaten until I’ve added all my calorie values up at the end of the day.

I Can Has Food?

Lately, I’ve been trying really hard to do the “only-eating-when-I’m-hungry” thing in an effort to move from calorie counting to intuitive eating. And, it’s a nice thing to get back to; I loved just listening to my body when I had my first whack at maintenance, and I can totally relate to a point Quix recently made in a blog post regarding how she’s “tasted freedom” and having difficulty going back to calorie counting and not just eating the food she wants/feels is necessary to nourish her body. When I gained back the weight after my last maintenance stint, it felt totally unnatural to be eating according to my “diet style.” And, my body wasn’t too keen on the practice either and essentially turned into a screaming toddler for the first few weeks of the next dieting attempt.

Body: “HAI AN EGG SAMMICH IS WHAT WOULD FEEL GOOD IN MY TUM LET’S EAT IT.”

Me: “No, sorry, we have 280 calories scheduled for breakfast and that means cereal.”

Body: ” … But I want an egg sammich. RIGHT NOW.”

Me: “Sorry, dude.”

Body: “SAMMMMICCCCCCCCCCCCH.”

And, so on.

Anyway, while I know all the intuitive eating guides say “ZOMG ONLY EAT WHEN YOU HAVE A HUNGRY,” I’ve been having difficulty shaking a few non-hunger-oriented eating habits. But, I have to wonder; is it OK to eat when you’re not hungry, sometimes?

At this point, I’ve gotten to be pretty good about lunch and my snacks (I eat breakfast right after exercising regardless of whether I’m hungry, because I know I need the fuel), in that I wait until I’m hungry to eat lunch and I don’t snack even if I feel I “can” have one but I’m not hungry (yesterday, for instance, I waited until 1:30 p.m. for lunch and when I became hungry at 5 p.m. I just had an apple to tide me over until dinner). But, I still eat dinner at a scheduled time regardless of whether I have a hunger, which according to intuitive eating’s principles is TEH BAD. But, 6 p.m. is just dinner time for me, and I don’t like to eat a heavy meal too close to bed. Likewise, I don’t like to eat dinner before 6 p.m., even if I am hungry, because I don’t like to eat that early (Does anyone else feel that way about meal times? I postpone lunch sometimes, too, because I just don’t like to eat a lunch before noon). That, and I have always an evening snack at 8:30 p.m., again, regardless of whether I’m hungry, because I don’t want to wake up mad famished.

Am I doin’ it wrong? Do I always need to be hungry when I decide to eat, or are these practices OK? It’s not like if I’m not super hungry I chow down on a gabillion calorie snack at the end of the day; most of the time, I nom something like yogurt. And, even when I am hungry but wait to eat until a scheduled meal time, I don’t usually wait for more than a half an hour. Also, should always eat a certain amount of calories a day (e.g., my BMR) so I don’t get my fainting on?

I should probably invest in some kind of nutrition book, but I’m cheap. Regardless, I’m trying to get away from eating a certain food because I have a certain amount of calories, but this is the diet habit I’ve had the most trouble kicking.

In other news, don’t you hate it when you have a day to sleep in, and your body decides it just doesn’t want to do so that morning? I definitely didn’t have to get up until 7 a.m. today, but at around 5:45 a.m. my mind just went “I’MUPUPUPLET’SWORKONESSAYS!” and then when I actually tried to work on my essays this early in the morning my mind was all, “Oh no my bad I’m not actually conscious enough to do this right now lol.”

For those of you who have/are making the transition to intuitive eating, do you have any tips? Did you have difficulty kicking certain “diet habits”?

Intuitive Eating: A Pain in the Ass

The title of this blog is “A Woman’s Intuition,” and part of the reason I initially started it was to work through—once I was done losing weight—my food anxieties so that I could ultimately start eating intuitively. Well, I’m trying to do that now; I’m still counting calories, but I’m really trying to eat only when I’m hungry and to eat when I’m hungry even if I don’t have the calories. So far, I’ve been succeeding on the former point, but it’s proved to be moderately inconvenient.

My classes fall right after meal times, which was convenient during my “scheduled eating” dieting days because I’d eat my lunch at 12 p.m., regardless of hunger level, trot off to class and be back to my dorm by snack time. But, now that I’m trying to eat intuitively, things don’t go as smoothly. Take today, for instance:

“Hm, it’s noon. But, I don’t have a hunger. That’s OK! I’ll just do some work and maybe be hungry in a bit.”

“Hm, 12:30 … still not hungry. Oooh, Kotaku has a picture of the guy they based Mario from Super Mario Brothers on!”

“SHIT IT’S 1 P.M. I HAVE TO GET TO CLASS SHIT I HAVEN’T EATEN I NEED TO PACK A THING TO EAT GODDAMMIT”

Granted, I’m not complaining about not being hungry: It’s pretty cool just listening to your body and learning about how much you really need, but apparently intuitive eating means I need to be more … flexible/prepared when thinking about my meals for the day.

Regardless, like I said, I’ve been doing pretty well only eating when I’m hungry, but I’m not sure if there are days where I should make myself eat. Yesterday, for example, I only ate 1,350 calories (because that was all I was hungry for) and, after having eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner today, I’ve still only had 1,185 calories. Is this just part of intuitive eating and how people don’t gain weight? Or, is there a bare minimum of calories I should eat, regardless? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Also, I haven’t really come into a situation, yet, where I’ve been hungry and not had enough calories, and I feel like that’s where I’m going to struggle. But, I’ve been counting calories or Points for almost six years now, so I guess I shouldn’t expect to get over all my anxieties/attachments overnight.

P.S. – It is really annoying when, during final exam/essay season, your roommates think the best idea in the world is to play their music really loudly. It is like, this is what headphones are for, and just because you really like your music doesn’t mean I do, too. Personally, I’m one of those people who likes TOTAL SILENCE when working. Regardless, I should really tell her to turn it down or just shut up about it, but no one wants to be the complainer, you know?

Weigh-In Day: Week of April 16th/Week One of Maintenance, Take Two

Last Week’s Weight: 129.1

This Week’s Weight: 127.9

Loss/Gain: 1.2 pounds

Average Daily Caloric Intake: 1800

04/16: 5-mile walk + 40-minute weightlifting session
04/17: Yoga
04/18: 2-mile run + 1-hour weightlifting session
04/19: 7-mile run/walk
04/20: 30-minute elliptical session + 10-minute rowing machine session + 1.5-mile walk/run
04/21: 20-minute weightlifting session + 7-mile walk
04/22: 7-mile run/walk

LIST TIME OF NOTES/THOUGHTS YEAAAAAAH

a) First things first: In the interest of full disclosure, I definitely forced myself to pee so I could squeak into my 127s. Heh.

b) I am well pleased that I am now comfortably in my goal range and the lowest weight I’ve been in years. Kind of crazy, really. But, the latter point definitely makes me feel better about moving into maintenance.

c) I am NOT well pleased because … well … I kind of expected more. You see, the last two times I’ve had my cycle, I lost two and a half pounds or more, and one of those times I ate more bonus calories—enough bonus calories, in fact, to put my average daily caloric intake higher than this week’s 1800. So, what does this week’s 1.2 pound loss mean? Was I just not retaining that much water? Do I have a slow day-to-day metabolism, and my body can only handle more calories when they come in short bursts? DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE ACCORDING TO SCIENCE? Is my metabolism just taking its time to fire up? I have no idea!

d) I am also well pleased because this morning was the first time I weighed myself since last Friday. Yay, willpower!

SO MANY DEEP THOUGHTS. Anyway, despite what seems to be an apprehension on the part of my body to more calories, I’m going to up my calories an additional 50 this week and then another additional 50 next week, and I will weigh myself again on May 7th. Yes, that’s two weeks away. Yes, I know people who are maintaining their weight are supposed to weigh themselves MORE frequently, but the last time I started maintenance, I lost my shit/fell of the wagon as soon as I gained even a teeny-tiny bit of weight as a result of increasing my caloric intake. So, I’d rather just side-step that by not weighing myself for two weeks (unless I should have a big splurge in that time, in which case I’ll weigh myself sooner). Besides, I’m not worried about gaining a massive quantity of weight in those two weeks, seeing as how I’m only going from 1600 calories per day to 1650 to 1700, not from 1600 to 1800 or 2000. Make sense?

I also kind of want to stay away from the scale because I feel as though by doing so I’ll get a better grasp on intuitive eating; this week, while I did well with it on days that were far away from weigh day, I ate “diet style” the closer I got to weigh day, i.e., making sure all my bonus calories were gone by a certain point in the week so that I would just be eating my daily base calories near weigh-in day, eating when I wasn’t hungry to make sure I consumed all my daily calories, etc. So, yes. We’ll how this week goes.

RUN TIME!

Weigh-In Day: Week of April 9th

AHHHH SUSPENSE

Last Week’s Weight: 129.7

This Week’s Weight: 129.1

Loss/Gain: 0.6 pound

Average Daily Caloric Intake: 1,750

Excercise:

04/09: 5-mile walk/run + 40-minute weightlifting session
04/10: Yoga
04/11: 1-hour weightlifting session + 2-mile run
04/12: 7-mile run
04/13: 7-mile walk/run
04/14: 7-mile walk + 20-minute weightlifting session
04/15: 7-mile walk/run

(Also, in case you were wondering, I did purposefully choose the Final Fantasy VI victory fanfare, ’cause that is my favorite Final Fantasy title. Yes.)

I am going to write a more introspective post on reaching my goal range later that you may or may not to read due to the level of cliché thoughts that it will contain, but, for now, here are some goals for the week:

1) Don’t go totally ape-shit bananas and overeat just because I’ve hit my maintenance range.

2) Eat only when I’m hungry. One of the terrible habits that comes with dieting—for me, personally—is just automatically eating every three hours or so to avoid getting “too hungry.” I’m going to continue counting calories for a bit (like I did the last time I start maintenance), but I’m going to start practicing some intuitive eating, too. And, in regards to that …

3) If I’m hungry, eat, even if I don’t have the “calories.”

4) Don’t step on the scale again before next Friday! Seriously, I drive myself crazy when I start weighing-in midweek, and half the time I end up stressing out over nothing.

5) Continue to be grateful everyday. Last week, I tried  to start each day with prayer, and as corny as it sounds, it set a nice tone for my day, and just trying to be grateful in general helped me be less negative.

I’m also going to bump my daily caloric intake up by an additional 50 calories this week (bringing my DCI to 1,600). I’m especially pleased about this loss this week, though, as I am *ahem* due for my “lady times.”*

And with that lovely thought, I am off to lift weights. HURGH MUSCLES.

* Sorry, again, dudes.

By Popular Demand …

I received one response regarding what people would like to see this blog become, and majority rules, so by popular demand this blog will now be entirely devoted to pictures of sexy dudes/ladies dipping their feet in Peanut Butter:

[OK, so I actually searched on the Internet for a picture of this to put here, and there was totally not a picture of someone putting their feet in Peanut Butter, WHICH IS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS BECAUSE IF A FETISH EXISTS YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIND IT ON THE INTERNET. Anyway, sorry to disappoint, Allison.]

But, I lied about the hiatus, because to be honest, this blog is partially for me; I am not an entirely unselfish person, I KNOW IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE. This is basically a public diary, and goddammit, I want to write about my PERSONAL JOURNEY. So, suck on it. But, for those of you who enjoy it, thank you for stopping by and I am glad/hope that it is somehow relatable for you. I have to agree with a certain visitor whose name I will censor to protect from the viciousness of the Internet, though; I feel like everyone and their sister’s blog mostly entails pictures of what they ate that day. This displeases me, especially when it is not accompanied by an additional commentary, like “I ate this because this food has blee-blah nutritional attributes!,” or, “I ate this because I was stressed! Grr, it’s a trigger food! Do you have those?” I like blogs to TEACH me a thing, or at least share something interesting. And, while it is sometimes interesting to see how a person eats healthy, a picture of your sandwich isn’t going to improve my own eating habits, really. Sorry. (Did that make sense?)

Also, yes, I know this started as a “food journal” blog, but I very, very quickly became bored with this, and here is the thing: Chances are, if you are bored with writing a thing, then chances are what you write is going to be boring, and no wants to read things that are boring. Well … maybe some people do. Maybe some people have a fetish for … reading boring … things … while watching women dip their feet in peanut butter.

(P.S. – If you are interested in this and want to come to my “boring content/peanut butter-dipping” convention please e-mail me at pbandboring@nofingway.com.)

ANYWAY, onwards, to unoriginal content!

So, I avoided another binge today, but while I was originally going to skip my indulgence for the day (just for the sake of being healthy), I caved and ate a thing when I became stressed. Did I binge? No, but I really want my automatic response to stress to not be eating. But, at least I didn’t binge, right? Granted, I had been craving the indulgence I had today for two days, now (I wanted it yesterday, but passed in favor of having a day where I didn’t indulge, just to make sure I still possessed some willpower), and I tried to wait it out, but I got a little stressed and headed to the grocery store for a treat. Also, in a close brush with a binge, I chomped a candy bar that ended up not getting counted. It was a big one, too (Green & Black, IT IS NOT MY FAULT I ATE YOU, EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET TOLD ME TO AND I HAD TO TRY YOU), but other than that I didn’t eat anything besides my indulgence (A pint of Ben & Jerry’s with a Warm Delight Mini … and then the other Warm Delight Mini, as there are two in a pack) and my normal 1,500 calories. Still, I really need to learn to eat only when I’m hungry; after I had my treat, I kind of just mindlessly snacked for the rest of the day because I “had the calories” (except not really, because I ATE A WHOLE PINT OF ICE CREAM AND A CHOCOLATE BAR), and if I had had bonus calories available I know I would have plowed through those, too. So, while I’m doing better with my eating habits, I need to keep my regular healthy eating habits intact post-treat.

I think the thing is that you need to pretend you have amnesia after each meal, and just have your automatic “choice” be something healthy. Sometimes, I find that if I try to overcompensate for a big snack by not having my normal healthy dinner or lunch or whatever, I just end up eating the same amount of calories over the course of the rest of the day, anyway, because I snack so much. Weird. Maybe I’ll just have to give myself a caloric “allowance” for days when I indulge in the future to prevent excessive snacking. Or, maybe I’ll actually get the hang of intuitive eating. LAWL.

Regardless, I am beginning to feel a bit … jiggly, but I’m trying to just give myself permission to indulge/gain weight in an effort to beat this binge habit. It’ll come off quick … right? And, at least I’m keeping up my excercise routine, so there is muscle tone underneath that thar pudge.

KTHXBAI.

Experimenting in Indulgence

Ahhhhhhh … Finals week is done. I am home. Life is pretty deece. (Deece = Decent.)

I had my first day of my “one indulgence per day but count everything else” plan, yesterday. It’s funny, though, that although I said I was going to do it, in the back of my mind I thought, “Well … maybe I can actually count calories until Christmas and lose a few more pounds.” But, when I came home, I was confronted with the prospect of … Magic Cookie Bars.

Magic Cookie Bars are delightful. And also a hell of binge-trigger food, as I have absolutely no idea how many calories they contain and such, being a home made baked good. Granted, I could have calculated the calories and counted the bars, but I thought, I get one indulgence per day … Let’s do this thing.

I almost succumbed to ye olde binge while getting supplies at the grocery store: I bought a candy bar, but counted it (my plan involves following my 1,500 calories per day plan with one indulgence per day). I almost caved and let myself have the bar for “free,” but I knew if I didn’t count the candy bar, everything else would get a pass as an additional indulgence. At the end of the night, here’s what I had eaten for the day:

+ Almonds (Pre-workout snack)

+ Cereal (Breakfast)

+ McDonald’s Grilled BBQ Snack Wrap (Lunch while driving home from Brandeis)

+ Jr. Frosty (Treat)

+ Lindt Candy Bar (Treat)

+ Wendy’s Ultimate Chicken Grill (Quick Dinner)

+ Two slices of bread (Brush with Cupboard Diving)

+ Seven Jelly Beans (Wanted to try them)

+ Cookie Bars with Low Fat Vanilla Ice cream (Free Indulgence)

Ha, ha! Victory! Granted, I probably eat more cookie bars than I should have, but I also made them at 4 p.m., and the last one didn’t disappear until 11:30 p.m., and they were split among three people. I probably also ate more ice cream than I should have, but I’d say that for the first day of having a non-counted treat outside my diet plan, this is pretty good. Basically, I’m just trying to break the binge habit and learn to have one treat instead of a million. And, I might not even have an indulgence today; I’m not really craving anything, though that ice cream IS calling my name (Yes, there’s still some left.)

Ugh, I have an eight mile run scheduled for the day, and it is hell of raining outside. I’m going to just run on the treadmill, but eight miles on the treadmill is going to be so boring.

Inspiration from the Internet

One of the things I love about food blogs is that so many of the authors are relatable; it’s amazing, when you start perusing said blogs, how many recovering/struggling binge eaters you come across. My problem, it seems, isn’t that uncommon.

Anyway, while I was digging through blogs looking to see how people coped with binge eating, I came across this post in Elina’s blog. I’ve been reading Healthy and Sane for awhile, now (it’s one of my favorites, and I now have a long list of Boston eateries to visit thanks to her), and it was a great source of inspiration for someone like me who is struggling with binge eating (You may remember that I quoted one of her posts relating to binge eating, before.) Anyway, this particular post essentially details a conversation Elina had with a RD regarding how to overcome binge eating. I won’t recap the whole entry here (you’ll have to read the whole thing for yourself), but the RD recommends allowing yourself one indulgence per day—but, only one.

And, after reading this entry, I’ve made an executive decision to try this plan, myself between Dec. 8 and Dec. 23, before my designated “Intuitive Eating” days. You see, this afternoon, I was literally planning the binge I was going to have the day before I started my “post-holiday” diet. And I thought, “Why do I have this all or nothing mentality?” I think the reason is similar to that behind Elina’s binges; that is, I associate not counting calories with the free-for-all day I used to have once a week during my WW days. Regardless, I need to learn to eat only what I want, rather than a bunch of junk PLUS what I wanted simply because I went over my calorie count or had an indulgence.

I’m not going to lie; I’m a little scared. But, the fact of the matter is, I feel like if I don’t do something like this, I’m not going to learn how to eat like a normal person. And, I’m freaked out by the potential weight gain; “I’m going to put on so much weight before I start my diet!” But, if I can overcome bingeing, it’ll come off that much quicker. And, I’m not losing any weight right now, anyway, because of the bingeing (in fact, as of this morning I’ve gained weight [I know, I said I wasn’t going to weigh myself before weigh-in day], which has me freaked even more.)

But, at present, I’m just trying to decide if I want to weigh myself again after tomorrow before January 1; I don’t want to get freaked out by a gain and fall off the progress wagon.

Anyway, I’m so excited to be going home tomorrow, WHOO! I just hope I don’t fail my Politics exam, though this seems like it would be pretty difficult to do considering that we’re allowed to use our notes during the exam. But … I feel like this is a trap.

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