Crisis Averted

So, I’m really glad I sat down yesterday and wrote about my binge; had I not, I would have woken up today and thought, “Ugh, I binged, and it wasn’t even a progressive binge.” However, because I sat down and genuinely thought about the mental consequences of just chowing for the rest of the day, I ended up having a binge that was smaller than my last. Am I happy that I binged? No, it probably means I’ll gain a bit this week, which makes me sad (But, it’s also not like I’m that hell of far away from my goal range. Besides, no one notices those extra pounds, and if I’m around 135 pounds post-holidays, I’ll be happy, so it’s not like I don’t have some lee-way), but at the same time at least I didn’t “finish” my binge. And, I also ate what I wanted; I didn’t just binge on random food, I recognized that I was going to overeat and selected food that would at least satisfy what I was craving, and then finished the day with healthful chomps. Sure, I only ate 295 fewer calories than during my last binge, but it’s something. I’m getting closer to just learning to have that one indulgence.

However, I am getting a little wigged out by my inability to stay “on plan”/white knuckle my way through these urges, especially since I’m bingeing about once a week (it’s interesting, I didn’t realize how much I was bingeing until I started keeping track. Yeesh, maybe ignorance is bliss.)  I reckon as I gradually reduce the size of my binges, it’ll become easier to stay on track as I perhaps lose my “tolerance” for large quantities of food, and it’ll certainly be easier to follow my plan post-holidays when I’m not dealing with high stress final exams/essays. And, hopefully I’ll make more anti-binge progress between now and Christmas. But, the fact of the matter is, there will ALWAYS be stress, and I need to find a better way to deal with it. (Also, I guess I shouldn’t get too freaked out; my willpower isn’t exactly stellar right now simply because I’m not particularly concerned with losing weight at the moment. I just don’t want to gain too much.)

But, at the same time, we’re programmed to reach for food in times of stress, so I’m not abnormal. Maybe it’s just my fixation with “conquering the binge” that is making this so problematic. Do I actually have a problem? Yes, I overate, but if you were my overeating spell with a “normal” person’s overeating spell, how different would it be? The thing is, I have nothing with which to compare my “binges.”

Regardless, I would like to get a better handle on my stress so that I’m not facing constant weight fluctuations. And, like I said previously, I want to be done with dieting/bingeing by the time I graduate. I refuse to start a new stage of my life with this mentality/these habits.

It’s difficult though, to stop binges sometimes when—at the very moment you decide to binge—you honestly don’t care about your weight or your eating habits. Yesterday, I was not in a frenzy; I stopped eating and asked myself, “Self, are you sure you want to do this?” And I went out for a walk, though about it and decided, yes, I wanted something tasty, calories be damned. At that point in time, it just wasn’t a big deal. Hmm. I’m also pondering what I should do about the sweets situation; it’s too bad, really, that I didn’t stick to my “no store-bought sweets” plan, because if I had I wouldn’t have eaten nearly as much yesterday as I did. Sometimes I can eat them in moderation, but most of the time I can’t. Does this mean I should just give up desserts cold turkey? If I did, it would certainly save me a lot of aggravation, and I wouldn’t have any trouble keeping weight off, that’s for sure. But, sometimes I feel like making things off limits makes them more appealing. BUT, at the same time, if a heroine addict can give up heroine for the rest of their life, shouldn’t I be capable of giving up cookies?

I woke up this morning, though, with the worst case of the chomps; I think the hardest day to get through is always the day after a binge, even though you’re still somewhat full from the day before. Boo.

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