True Life: I’m a Binge Eater

Alright.

I guess I’ll talk about it.

Now, if you read both posts I made yesterday, you’ll know that I already felt a binge coming on at the beginning of the day. In retrospect, I have to ask whether that was a legit feeling or an excuse for a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Regardless, the minute that candy came in the mail, it was all over. It shouldn’t have been; a normal person would have eaten the candy their mum sent them and then moved on. I didn’t. In the interest of full disclosure, here’s what I ate yesterday and when I ate it:

+ 7 A.M. – 2 P.M.:

– Almonds (80 calories – Normal pre-workout snack)

– Cereal and Milk (260 calories – Normal Breakfast)

– Turkey sandwich with an apple (220 calories – Normal Lunch)

+ 2:15 P.M. – 2:45 P.M.

– 6 Truffles (450 calories – Part of candy package)

– 7 oz. of Peanut Brittle (1050 calories – Part of candy package)

+ 3:30 P.M. – 7 P.M.

– Haagen-Daaz with a Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delight (1245 calories – Purchased W.D. during trip to grocery store on Sunday; was saving for dessert this week)

– Two Thomas’ Whole Wheat Mini-Bagels (220 calories)

– 1 oz. Peanut Brittle (150 calories – Part of candy package)

– Kashi TLC Bar (120 calories)

– ANOTHER Kashi TLC Bar (120 calories)

– Kashi GoLean Cereal (150 calories)

– Two Tim Tam Cookies (190 calories – Supplied by roommate)

– Thomas’ Whole Wheat Bagel (110 calories)

– Pretzel Sticks (120 calories)

– Oreos (400 calories)

+ 9:00 P.M. – 10:00 P.M.

– Twix Ice cream Bar (280 calories)

– Yogurt Parfait (230 calories, but I didn’t eat all of it.)

– M&Ms (240 calories)

– Cereal (160 calories)

Grand Total: 5,795 calories

Also, everything eaten between 3:30 and 7 P.M. was snagged from my normal food supplies, and everything eaten after 9 P.M. (with the exception of the cereal) I made a conscious decision to go out and buy.

I’m trying to find some redeeming qualities to this day, but I’m having a hard time with it. I guess it could be said that the majority of the calories I ate were supplied by the candy sent, rather than food I went and bought even though I wasn’t hungry. But, I ate so much even though I wasn’t hungry; even if I had just eaten the candy, it wouldn’t have been that bad. I guess I could at least find comfort in the fact that this binge was smaller than my last and, perhaps, the smallest I’ve ever had. But, that’s not good enough. And, now I don’t know where to go from here.

I had 1,695 Bonus Calories available (it was a new week, today), but that still puts me 2,600 calories in the hole and with no Bonus Calories to help me through the week. Do I try to cut my calories the rest of the week to make up for it? Or, do I just move on and forget about it? And, why can I only make it through a week of my program, lately? I dieted for years, and now, I fall apart whenever I try. What should I do? Give up counting? Just throw in the towel? Count it up to stress and just give up on losing weight between now and Christmas, and just accept that I’ll have another long road ahead of me come January?

Usually, I’d try to be a little light hearted and take it in stride, but I’m so tired of this: Of not being able to just not eat, of not being able to just buckle down and lose weight, of not being able to stay at my maintenance weight, of thinking about food 90% of the time, of not being able to enjoy my life because of my obsession with losing weight.

What am I supposed to do?

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2 Comments

  1. November 24, 2009 at 8:58 AM

    I’ve been putting it off for a while, but I seriously think I’m going to go back to therapy. I used to be in therapy for a number of reasons, one of which was NOT binge eating, interestingly enough.

    I’m sick of obsessing over this. It’s fucking with my life. I think I seriously need help.

    The only thing is, what if I don’t click with my therapist? What if I can’t find one with evening hours? What if my insurance won’t cover it? What if it’s not near my house? What if I do click, she does have evening hours, my insurance DOES cover it, AND it’s nearby, AND I STILL DONT MAKE ANY PROGRESS. I guess that’s the scary thing.

    I really want to get better. >.<

    And all my hard work at losing 20 pounds? I've gained back 7 of them, and the scale is only going up. I can diet perfectly for 7 days straight, and then one 4 hour binge, and it's all back to where I started.

    Anyway. Keep your chin up. The first step is awareness, right?

  2. November 24, 2009 at 6:17 PM

    I consider going to therapy, too … but, I’m hesitant. I really don’t feel like spending several hours of my life listen to someone tell me what is wrong with me. I don’t know, I guess I feel like if I go to therapy, they’re going to try to tell me I have depression or OCD (the latter of which might be true), and I just don’t want to hear it.
    I know what you’re saying though, about being sick of obsessing. You’d think it would be easy to just make a conscious decision to stop, but another self takes over when you binge.
    But, did therapy help while you were in it? If so, maybe it is time to go back: At least then, after having tried, you won’t be wondering if therapy is/was the avenue that could have helped you get better. And, if it doesn’t help, at least you can move on to trying to find a new solution.


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