It’s kind of terrible how weight loss can ruin the small joys of life; my mom’s package is due to arrive today and I both want it (because, hey! It’s a package from my mom) and don’t want it, because if it contains food, I feel like it could set me off on a binge. I’ve been doing really well the last few days, but today I just woke up with that frantic feeling. At least I’m aware of it, though. I’m also anxious because, even though I’m not weighing myself, my pants definitely feel a bit tighter–but, at least I still fit in them, I guess. Also, it’s definitely easy for my mind to play tricks on me:

“Wait, the last time I wore these pants, didn’t they sag in the butt?”
“Hm, the sleeves on this shirt feel looser. Neat! Oh, man, but that muffin top DEFINITELY didn’t show the last time you wore this.”

And so on. Honestly, some days I could analyze the hell out of my appearance to guess my weight. I should go work for the circus.

I’m actually pretty pleased with how I look at the moment. The thing is, though, if I were to step on the scale and were in my 120s, I’d say, “I knew I looked fabulous!”, but if I did the same thing and were above 130, I’d think, “Ugh, I WAS SO BLIND AND FOOLISH.”

Regardless, my appetite probably isn’t helped by the fact that I’m a) stressed, b) sleep-deprived and c) running on fumes–for some reason, I thought it was a good idea to bank calories in case my mum did send food, so I haven’t eaten more than 1,450 calories in the past three days. It actually didn’t bother me at all, but I’m feeling it today.

I want to do well, though; I’m hoping that by Dec. 8, I’m around 130. If I am, I’d like to give myself the opportunity/permission to gain a bit of weight and eat intuitively before Christmas. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like I need to learn to gain weight and indulge like a normal person. Here’s how normal people gain weight:

“Oh, no! I went on vacation for a week and gained one/two pounds! Oh, well. I enjoyed myself.”

Here’s how I gain weight:

“Oh, no! I binged for a week and gained five pounds! Half of what I ate wasn’t even worthwhile.”

Problematic. Anyway, we’ll see whether I can stay on plan in between now and when I go home. But, I would like to just be able to take a break for a few weeks from “dieting” and counting calories: I may be moving away from the homeland after college, and part of enjoying home is … well … eating its native cuisine (i.e., that fried seafood joint’s shrimp platter. Mmm.)

Blergh, time for class.


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