Put Me in the Oven …

… ’cause I’m so doughy, I should be baked.

You know what I’m talking about: When that muffin you ate feels like it’s sittin’ below the surface of your skin instead of in your stomach, and that weight gain (real or imagined) feels pudgy to the touch. That’s how I felt this morning.

I’m wondering if I should just bite the bullet and weigh myself, because I’ve spent so much time analyzing how I look in the mirror that I’m obsessing about my weight regardless of the fact that I don’t know the number on the scale. Meh. Sometimes, I wonder if I should go to a therapist: I don’t really think I have an eating disorder, nor would I ever starve myself or purge, but sometimes I just think about food all the time. But, what is a therapist going to tell me? I don’t think I look terrible after I’ve gained two or three pounds, so my problem isn’t with body issues. I actually wish I could pull off being a voluptuous lady; I think the “thin is in” concept is totally ridiculous, and if I looked better heavier, I would maintain a higher weight. But, unfortunately, I’m just one of those types who—when they’re carrying a few extra pounds—looks like a pot-bellied grandfather clock rather than an hourglass. Honestly, I think my problem is just that I’m a control freak; it’s like, “Well, I can’t control how pretty I am, or how many papers I have to do, but I can control my weight.” So, that’s what I project onto. Maybe? I’M A JOURNALIST, NOT A PSYCHIATRIST, FOR GOD’S SAKE.

I’m trying not to stress about post-holiday weight gain—stressing doesn’t help anyone, most of all me. The thing is, if I just buckle down and do it, it won’t take that long to the weight. And, I’ve done it before, so now that I’ve had the practice, I should be even better at losing weight this time around, right? Right! I’M A PROFESSIONAL. I’m trying to develop a holiday plan, though, so I don’t gain a pound a day (which is just ridiculous). I’m thinking that on days like Thanksgiving, I’ll either a) give myself a cheat meal and count calories for the rest of the day or b) set a rule where I at least have to stick to my breakfast-lunch-snack-dinner-snack routine. I learned after the wedding weekend that I’m actually getting pretty good at not bingeing at special events, but what I need to work on is not turning the rest of the day into an eating bonanza, if you will, and going to the grocery to buy extra snacks and consuming random things like cookies and ice cream that I can have any other day of the week by making room for it, calorie wise.

I went for a run this morning (Yay!), went pretty well … until the sidewalk decided to say “Good Morning!”

Sidewalk: “HAI GURL!”

Me: “Hey, I am just going to step up over that tricky part where the street and you meet, if that is cool.”

Sidewalk: “HOLD UP I WANT TO GIVE YOUR KNEE A HIGH-FIVE”

Me: “Wait, what.”

And so it went. Now, there is mad dirt all up in my knee. Also blood on my knee. I am mildly encouraged, though, by the fact that people slowed down in their cars to make sure I was OK. … Then again, they could have just been slowing down to enjoy my suffering. Whatever.

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