Taking Out Frustration on Food

Well, I definitely won’t be in my 120s for Thanksgiving after last night; yes, I binged.

Here’s what I learned from it:

1) I can’t weigh myself every day. When I do, I just get super frustrated/encouraged when I don’t/do see results, and end up overeating.

2) I don’t enjoy processed foods/mass quantities of food, anymore. Today, I set out to have one treat (a pint of Haagen-Daaz), which I enjoyed. Then, I just went crazy after having that pint, and I set out to the store to get some “binge supplies.” However, as soon as I left the store, I immediately began to feel … not guilty about bingeing, per se, but just … unhappy with the idea. Why stuff myself? I’ll just feel gross tomorrow, and I’ll just have to diet for even longer as a result of the binge, and having to diet for a prolonged period is what I’m so unhappy about that I set out to binge. The result? Well, here’s what I bought at the store:

-A King size package of Mounds

-A pack of Swedish Fish

-A Moonpie

-A three-pack of Oreo Cakesters

-A pack of Tim Tams

-A pack of Pepperidge Farm Almond Cookies

Here’s what I ate:

-Two Mounds Bars (of four)

-The Swedish Fish

-Two Oreo Cakesters

-Five Almond Cookies (of 24)

-Two Tim Tams (of 10)

Honestly, when I started eating, it just felt excessive. The chocolate was waxy, and eating the Mounds after the Cakesters was just too much. After all that junk, I wished I had just eaten healthy for the day. But, getting rid of the food I didn’t eat brings me to my next conclusion:

3) Bingeing is horribly wasteful, especially now that I find myself enjoying it less. The food I didn’t eat I either threw away or left lying around campus (dear Brandeis student that eats my Moonpie: YOU’RE WELCOME.) So, I wasted a) money and b) food. Gross.

4) I don’t get ANYTHING done when I’m bingeing. Today, when I got home from school, I needed to do work, dishes and an assortment of other chores. Guess how much of that got done? NONE OF IT. And, guess who feels to gross today to run? MWAH. (Moi? I think I just made kissey noises at the Internet because I don’t know French.)

5) I need to learn to distract myself. The minute I sat down to roll through blogs/write in my own blog, I stopped eating. But, I get so wrapped up in the appeal of eating that I forget there are other things to do with my life that are enjoyable. Crazy!

So, there you have it. I ended up just wiping the day clean and “starting over,” (i.e., counting everything else for the rest of the evening as though the day just started, post-binge), but it still brought my binge calorie count to around 5,500, what with the ice cream and whatnot that I ate earlier. Le sigh.

But, I’ve decided to take a break from the scale after this incident: I’m going to do the best I can in between now and Thanksgiving, and whatever the scale is … well, I just don’t care to know right now, because I don’t want how I eat/how I feel/how much I enjoy this holiday to be affected by what the scale says, particularly if I’ve done the best that I can. I’ll weigh in post Thanksgiving, and if I’ve put on some pounds … well … at least there’s a few weeks in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, right? I really, really don’t want to be starting over again after the holidays, though … but, if I don’t binge, then one bad day (today) and the holidays shouldn’t make that much of a difference if I eat healthy the rest of the time. And, I know I will eat well when I come back for the week between Thanksgiving and winter break—yes, we only have one week of school in between Thanksgiving and our month-long winter break; yes, it is ridiculous—because a stressed tummy + final exams + junk food = too many bathroom trips during final exam periods. NOT GOOD. (Sorry, I know that was TMI. But, I STAND FOR ALL OF US OUT THERE WITH NERVOUS STOMACHS!)

While at school, though (and most likely in the time between Christmas and Thanksgiving) I’m going to count calories. The only thing is, I’m not sure if an average of 1,700 calories per day is right. The frequency with which I crave sweets/binge eat makes me wonder if too few calories is the problem; yes, I want to lose weight, and yes, I did so before at an average of 1,700 calories, but it took so damn long because I overate so frequently due to the onset of an extreme appetite. And, if I have to undertake a diet AGAIN, I’d rather lose weight more slowly but have it be easier, mentally, then try to lose it too quickly and deal with the appetite/the two-steps-forward-one-step-back cycle (it’d probably take less time with the former system than the latter, anyway, what with the frequency that I overate on my diet plan—I don’t binge nearly as often as I did while on Weight Watchers, but there is still room for improvement during those times when I need to get back on track for a bit.) It shouldn’t take nine months to lose 10 pounds, you know?

Or, maybe I should just eat intuitively. I don’t know why, but I have some kind of mental barrier that says, “You cannot possibly lose weight eating intuitively! Crazy talk!”

Have you lost weight successfully? If so, how many calories per day did you eat? Did you count calories at all, or did you use another method?

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