Loss at Last!

Ah, finally! That steady upward climb was freakin’ me out, but thankfully it has finally ceased and I’m down two pounds today (Way to step to it, body.) Now, if only those other four pounds will magically disappear, we’ll be good (I have high hopes—I’ve lost up to seven pounds the week of my “lady times” before. TMI? Sorry.)

However, after re-reading yesterday’s post, I’m mildly appalled by my own self-loathing. Granted, I had been made really anxious by another gain and Glee had been canceled for the night AND THAT’S ALWAYS UPSETTING, but still; hating yourself over your weight is just silly. And, do I really hate myself? No, I think I’m awesome. But, the fact that I’m that frustrated by the prospect of dieting again/my weight is alarming.

At this point, something obviously needs to change. Do I just stop weighing myself all together? I’d like to, but I feel like my weight is like a Boo. For those of you unfamiliar with a “Boo,” this is a character in the Mario series that can only attack you when you are not looking at it. So, to elaborate: If I keep an eye on my weight, it can’t attack me, per se. But, if I ignore it, it will spring on me and I will die and have to start the level (i.e., weight loss) all over again.

This is a great metaphor, I know.

Regardless, I seemed to be under the impression that once I hit my goal weight, all my problems would magically disappear.

They haven’t.

Is it nice to be able to pull whatever I want out  of my closet to wear for the day, without thinking if I look too “pudgy” to wear it? Sure. Is (Or, was, at the moment) it nice to not have to worry about losing? Sure. But, I was still fixated on the number on the scale, and the minute it crept too high I freaked out and stopped trusting my body and starting counting calories again, which may be OK for some people but isn’t something that really works for me—I saw I did fine eating intuitively, but for some reason I’m programmed to think that I can only lose/maintain my weight by counting calories. And yet, counting calories is what got me into trouble in the first place. What to do?

I reckon I’ll start by going out for a run, which I am not in the mood for today. Still so tired!

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2 Comments

  1. The Vegan Anti-Hero said,

    October 29, 2009 at 9:32 AM

    For starters…I too was bummed on the absense of Glee last night. I’m the same way with the scale. I no longer count calories but I will forever step on the scale. I think it’s a good way to keep everything in check though. If I can’t count (and I can’t count or I revert right back to OCD tendencies) then I need someway to monitor.

    • October 29, 2009 at 11:03 AM

      And they didn’t even replace Glee with anything good! It was like, baseball? Really?
      But, what you’re doing sounds like what I’d like to do, myself: As much as I’d like to ditch the scale, I feel as though if I didn’t monitor my weight I’d either drastically over- or underestimate my weight and just subconsciously count calories all the time, anyway, and on top of that I like to monitor so I can catch a one pound gain before it becomes a 10 pound one.
      The bottom line then, I guess, is that I don’t want to be so emotionally attached to the number on the scale. And, for the few weeks I was monitoring/eating intuitively, I actually didn’t freak out over the little fluctuations. So, I guess the problem isn’t so much with my monitoring as my binging and bringing about those big fluctuations that send me into freak out mode. Does that make sense?


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