Let’s Get Our Anxiety On

I am very, very stressed right now. Honestly, I think if I get on the scale tomorrow and I see my weight go up again, I’ll have a heart attack on the spot.

I feel like I’m heading down the road to gain all this weight back again. Granted, “all” isn’t that much—if someone who was trying to lose 50 pounds read this blog, they’d probably spit on me for bitching about 15, and I wouldn’t blame them. But, it took me a year and now, here I am, two weeks after hitting my goal weight, back at 134 pounds. Is it just water weight? Probably. But, two days into my calorie counting, I’m tacking “aids” onto my daily intake—yesterday, I gave myself an extra 1,500 calories on top of my 1,500 calorie allowance for the day because it was my “first day getting back on track.” Today, I gave myself 750—you know, because it was my second day. That’s sixth-tenths of a pound, and it could be the difference between me feeling great before going to the wedding next Saturday and being able to eat intuitively again and me bawling my eyes out because I have to go back to counting calories. And, why do I even count calories? I’ve known for awhile it doesn’t work, and today and yesterday are proof: As I mentioned previously, when I was eating intuitively and splurged I ate very little to try and compensate. But, the last two days, I’ve just been eating junk when I’m not hungry because “I have the calories,” but some of the calories I “have” are just me giving myself extra for no good reason.

I miss intuitive eating. And my 120s.

Maybe I should just get rid of the scale AND calorie counting. But, I feel like I can’t until I’m back in my “goal zone.” But, every time I get there, I don’t make any progress towards maintenance. I hope I can get back to my 120s by next Thursday. I don’t know what I’ll do if all this work was blown in a few days.

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