WHYYYYYYYYYYY (Do I Overeat?)?!?!?!?!?!11??2?

It looked like a hurricane had hit my room.

Me: Covered in ice cream, passed out on my bed.

My desk: Also covered in ice cream, as well as candy wrappers.

Floor: I think you get the picture. Also, I need to vacuum, the carpet is looking vile somethin’ fierce.

It was a “bad” eating day.

HOWEVER, it was not as bad as it could have been.

Would I classify it as a binge? Ugh, yeah. But, when I think back on my old binges, comparing yesterday’s wreckage to a binge from two years ago is like comparing a rainstorm with a typhoon. Back in the day, when I would “toss it,” (From the De Groot Dictionary: “Tossing It”: A verb, maybe. Or is it an adjective? Man, screw grammar. – The act of completely and utterly blowing a diet for reasons pertaining to the desire to start a new, “better” diet or from having deviated slightly from an existing diet.), I would literally hike myself down to the grocery and spend $40 on food—a loaf of bread, bags of candy, ice cream, whatever—and I would eat would I would estimate to be about 10,000 calories throughout the day. By the end of the day, I would be so full that I would be physically sick. And yet, I would continue eating, because tomorrow I would have to go back to dieting, so I had to make the most of that binge day.

Yesterday, however, I managed to salvage the day, somewhat; did I start off horribly and eat cookies for breakfast? Blergh, maybe. But, did I have a healthy lunch? Yes! Did I follow that lunch up with a pint of ice cream. … Also maybe. BUT, did I eat that entire pint? No, because I wasn’t enjoying it. And, for the rest of the day, did I try to eat healthy to compensate? Yes! Did I succeed in eating healthy for the rest of the day? Not really, but at least I tried. And this is a big change. Because, the fact of the matter is, I’m tired of dieting.

Of course, after getting on the scale this morning, I find that I do have to go back on my diet program (I was up to 133.8 pounds, but even I know that I couldn’t gain 4.8 pounds in one day, though if I were able to consume that much it would be impressive, albeit disgusting). But, at least after yesterday I can see some semblance of growth in myself, and at least I caught myself before a small binge turned into a week long one and said diet will (hopefully) only have to last a week or two. But, the big question is, why did I overeat? I think the two primary factors are stress and P.M.S., but I also self-sabatoged a bit; in the back of my mind, I thought, “Well, I’m probably going to have to diet the week before the wedding, anyway, to make sure I’m within range. And, I’ll probably be below range if I do diet next week. So, I may as well overeat—it’ll come off next week, anyway.” I need to get out of that diet/binge mindset—that’s how I gained this weight in the first place, by getting overconfident and steadily letting a one day binge stretch into two days and then three and then a whole week. If I eat intuitively, I shouldn’t have to diet because splurges/holidays will be balanced by naturally healthy eating. AND, I need to learn how to have small treats on a regular basis and get rid of that “all or nothing” mentality—just because I have a dinner at a restaurant or a dessert doesn’t mean I’ve “blown it.” And, even though I had cookies for breakfast yesterday, if I had just stopped with the cookies it would not have been nearly as bad as letting the whole day evolve into an eating fest.

The gains I’ve been seeing lately haven’t helped my stress level, though, as it makes me feel as though I’m going to have to go back on my diet program every few weeks, anyway, and once I’ve started the program, what’s an extra week or two on it? Fortunately, there’s the blogosphere: I came across this comforting post on The Great Balancing Act, a lovely blog run by Susan, another weight loser/journalist. For those of you too lazy to read the entire entry (tsk tsk), Susan reports that she, too, initially gained weight when started maintenance. So, I just have to keep up eating normally every day and listening to my body, and not getting freaked out by the scale.

I was inspired by Mimi, though, to take a jog through memory lane (or a bloated stroll—whatever) and look at my meals for the past week. And, low and behold, I am not getting nearly as much protein as I should, and this is probably why I was so famished on Sunday. So, at her suggestion, I am most def. going to look for some high protein sources at the grocery store this week. I don’t have a kitchen, but there must be something I can pick up to help keep me sated.

At this point, I just hope I haven’t gotten too cocky and find that I’ve gained more weight than I can lose by the Friday before the wedding. Get it together, self! It’s time to actually stay at your goal weight for more than a few weeks, for once.

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